It'll Crack u Up

They cracked me up. It was a piece of cake. Not very good cake but a piece of cake nonetheless. I’m alive and well and have survived my first colonoscopy.

But I lost a virginity I never wanted to lose.

God Bless America.

Everybody told me the preparation was a lot worse than the actual procedure. They were right. Thank God for anxiety reducing and amnesia producing drugs. They work great.

In one moment I was timidly lying on a table and being asked by a cute nurse to roll over on my left side, bend my legs and position my bare booty in the air. The next moment I was sitting in a chair in another room, obnoxiously breaking wind and being asked if I was ready to go home.

I wasn’t sure at first if they wanted me to go home because of the breaking of wind or because they were finished with me.

I checked to be sure my sphincter was still intact and then I was ready to go. I vaguely remember a ride in a wheelchair to my wife’s car. I ended up at home eating eggs and grits we picked up at the Krystal but I don’t remember stopping by there to get them.

They have this procedure down pretty good. But I do have a suggestion.

They should give you at least an injection of amnesia medicine during the two days you go without food. And you should get a gallon or two of it for the violent rectal convulsions you experience the night before.

I knew I was supposed to get my colon examined. At one point last night I thought I had flushed all six feet of it down the commode.

In other words, it would have really been nice if I could have awakened in a chair with someone telling me how many times I went to the bathroom the night before and how many pairs of underwear I went through.

I now know they have drugs that could do it.

But I remember every trip and every pair.

It may crack you up to think about it. The doctor definitely cracked me up this morning at the surgery center.

But it wasn’t funny last night.